Skip to main content

I'm Glad It Didn't Work Out (Samuel Jones- Bastrop, LA)

     When I think of all the guys that I wanted things to work out with in the past, I have varied responses. I chuckle usuallysometimes I sigh and roll my eyes so hard that I swear I can see my own thoughts. I never respond like this because of the typical, "What did I see in him?" It's always because I know exactly what I saw and  I actually felt we were a good match.

     Even though the guys are radically different from one another, there is a common thread I have noticed: I always think, "It doesn't get any better than this." I always tend to feel this person is the perfect match for me, which leads to a clinginess and a pressure to prove my worth. But usually, things fall apart for one reason or another: "I'm straight," "I don't want to lose what we have as friends," "You're too soft," "This is moving too fast for me." All kinds of bullshit.

     But you know, I acknowledge my part in finding myself in such unsanitary situations. For one, I need to disregard the desire to "fix" people. There ain't nothin' wrong with a little helpsome spackle here and there, but bitch, I'm no mason. Not anymore. . . building houses for other people to live in. And for two, being the only one giving a percentage over twenty-five.

     I also understand that there is zero need for me to prove myself to anyone. I am already good enough. I was born and I will die that way. So all of this giving 'till it hurts, even if it's just my attention, has come to an end. Hmph, "It doesn't get any better than this." Interestingly enough, every subsequent guy would be of a higher and higher caliber of what I "needed" at the time. I guess it was because I would learn an important lesson with each one, and I would see my self-worth as much less of a stranger.

     Remaining with those individuals would have only stunted my growth.

     I'm glad it didn't work out— with any of them

     

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

This Little White Boy Who Wanted Some Nigger In Him (James Leland Ludeau III - Lafayette, LA)

Grew up on a plantation
Removed
Secluded from the world
I knew classes but didn’t understand race
Because what raced through my veins wasn’t something of which I could ever speak
My father could fuck the slave girls
But I couldn’t touch the men
It filled me with resentment
Fueled my resentment with lust
Until it was too much to take
It was a small contained community
White as the cotton in the fields
Only dark around the edges where the black men lived
Ploughing the fields
I’d imagine them ploughing me
Sinewy
Glistening with sweat as the sun bathed their shoulders
The sweat running down until it pooled around the waistband of their thin cotton pants
Their skin
Black, almost indigo, like night
Some like coffee with milk in it
Cafe au lait
I could smell their musk
Watched as their muscly bodies worked
I yearned
Burned
This little white boy who wanted some nigger in him
To fall beneath the weight of one
As he heaved
As he forced his throbbing cock into my crevice
I longed for even the pa…

God Will Cry (Louis Toliver Jr - Swartz, LA)

This is your soul trying to connect to you for last the time. We have come to the final crossroad in our life. This is the end. These are our last earthly breaths.
From this abuse of yourself, we will both die. You will be a rotting corpse. I will fade away into Darkness. People may mourn your death, at first, but you will be forgotten, while I am left here molested by the hands of Hell.
God will cry, “My child didn’t fulfill her purpose.”
I’m begging you; don’t do this. It has been a slow ride, a slow descent to suicide.

"I Love You" is Enough (Louis Toliver Jr)

Please don’t stress I see what you do all year Everyday you show me Through your actions How much you care for me But please don’t stress It’s not money or possessions That make me give my life to you It’s the moments that are small When people don’t care to look That you show your love most So don’t stress to demonstrate What you already know you do Just say “I love you” and… My underwear will come off for you