Skip to main content

Love Should Come Easy (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)



There I was with the man I loved and I was afraid to hold his hand in public. Here I was with the man I loved and I cared too much of what others thought to love him the right way. I am a cold bitch of a man.

“It’s chilly outside,” he said to me. We were walking down the street with our dogs in his, well, our neighborhood now.  I had just moved in with him. Middle-class living. Nothing special. Some houses matched, most didn’t. We weren’t really paying attention to our neighbors, but we cared about what they thought. Well, at least I did. He tried to grab hold of my hand, but I brushed it away. “Okay then,” I could hear the rejection in his voice. I made him feel rejected.

“We can wait until we get home,” I sped up a little. We were no longer waking side by side.

“What’s happening? You seem different since you moved in with me,” he sped up to me. “Why don’t you want to hold my hand?”

“I don’t know. What does it matter? Why do I have to hold your hand…now?” I couldn’t look him in the face. I knew I wasn’t right. I knew if I loved him I shouldn’t feel ashamed. But I was scared.

“Don’t you love me?” He kept at my pace. We were starting to walk faster than our dogs. I think I was strangling them a bit. They looked bewildered, but I was nervous for some reason. “This is dating life. That is what dating people do. Hold hands.”

I stopped. “What if someone sees us?” We had been dating for a couple of years, but I wasn’t fully out of the closet yet. “What if we get hate crimed?”

He laughed, “Hate crimed?” He stopped and grabbed hold of me and stopped me. The dogs tried to keep going but the leash yanked them back. “You’re having anxiety about moving in with me? Sharing my daily routing? How are we ever going to get married one day if you’re scared to show affection?”

“I’m not scared,” I looked away. I was lying. I was scared.

“Kiss me. Right now on this sidewalk,” He looked me dead in the eyes the same way as the first time we kissed. “No one is paying us attention. Everyone has a life to life to live.”

I looked around and then pecked him quickly on the cheek. “Okay let’s go.” I tried to walk off.

“No, not so fast!” He grabbed me and planted a seductive kiss on my lips. I couldn’t pull away because I loved him. A car passed by with some teenagers. They honked the horn and cheered. He pulled away. “Now, see we’re still alive.”

I licked my lips. Looked at him. And we were still alive and I loved him even more for the bravery that attracted me to him to begin with. We continued on our way. I guess love does come easy after all.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

This Little White Boy Who Wanted Some Nigger In Him (James Leland Ludeau III - Lafayette, LA)

Grew up on a plantation
Removed
Secluded from the world
I knew classes but didn’t understand race
Because what raced through my veins wasn’t something of which I could ever speak
My father could fuck the slave girls
But I couldn’t touch the men
It filled me with resentment
Fueled my resentment with lust
Until it was too much to take
It was a small contained community
White as the cotton in the fields
Only dark around the edges where the black men lived
Ploughing the fields
I’d imagine them ploughing me
Sinewy
Glistening with sweat as the sun bathed their shoulders
The sweat running down until it pooled around the waistband of their thin cotton pants
Their skin
Black, almost indigo, like night
Some like coffee with milk in it
Cafe au lait
I could smell their musk
Watched as their muscly bodies worked
I yearned
Burned
This little white boy who wanted some nigger in him
To fall beneath the weight of one
As he heaved
As he forced his throbbing cock into my crevice
I longed for even the pa…

God Will Cry (Louis Toliver Jr - Swartz, LA)

This is your soul trying to connect to you for last the time. We have come to the final crossroad in our life. This is the end. These are our last earthly breaths.
From this abuse of yourself, we will both die. You will be a rotting corpse. I will fade away into Darkness. People may mourn your death, at first, but you will be forgotten, while I am left here molested by the hands of Hell.
God will cry, “My child didn’t fulfill her purpose.”
I’m begging you; don’t do this. It has been a slow ride, a slow descent to suicide.

"I Love You" is Enough (Louis Toliver Jr)

Please don’t stress I see what you do all year Everyday you show me Through your actions How much you care for me But please don’t stress It’s not money or possessions That make me give my life to you It’s the moments that are small When people don’t care to look That you show your love most So don’t stress to demonstrate What you already know you do Just say “I love you” and… My underwear will come off for you