Why do I find myself here again?  I have an idea of why but scared to admit it.  I’ve been suppressing it for years.  Now that other things have built up, it isn’t as easy to shove deep below the surface.  I feel myself careening out of control, spiraling toward the depth that may not be overcome.  My substance abuse has gotten to a point that recognizing myself is getting more and more difficult.  Changing ways of administration has contributed, if not propelled, this descent.  I try my best not to face things that are difficult emotionally.  I know I’m avoidant…it is something I hate to admit.  There’s been things lately that have piled up…everything with mama, Mary moving out,  the lease here coming to an end, Mawmaw’s health…it all has become too much to deal with so I don’t deal with it and instead cover the pain with my addiction.  I guess I should touch on each of the situations… First and one of the hardest thi...

Spoke to an older woman active in music who very much loves my singing. She told me people aren't respectful or better just because society is integrated by law. She recalled a time when a man ate the same food as her family, but he wasn't allowed/asked inside for dinner. She wanted to and had to go sit outside with him. She would take food to John [not saying his name] the nigger and they would sing songs together. The word wasn't disrespectful to her family, but he worked with them and he was black had to sit outside. Past the indoctrinated racism, she shared music with him. She loved him for the memories and for who he was. Much like how people love my singing but don't feel the need to define me as black. Art and music have a transcendent quality that helps remind people they are all the same. Souls within bodies that only reproduce cells enough to remain alive for what ends up being a VERY short time. Elevation and negation of race are somehow linked in our society...

My heart remains engulfed with pain. The happiness and strength I once held Suddenly became a shower of acid rain. So many years I cried and yelled Hoping someone would rescue me, But too scared to let anyone get close And I wondered if I would ever be set free Of the pain that was making me comatose. It seemed death was the only way out Since every other direction had failed. This can’t be what life is all about, I hope that someday I’ll get bailed. My self esteem runs so low That all I can think of is taking my own life; ‘Cause the pain gets in my blood and starts to flow Until I feel I can no longer deal with the strife. This is the pain that makes it hard to fight But still I’m searching for my time. The day I’ll finally see the light Having not committed the ultimate crime.

There's times when I feel like I have to use my boyfriend, a tall blonde white guy, as a passport in this world. A shield. What pisses me off is I'm working doing, literally doing ALL THE WORKING but don't get respected as such by people...like this. Like our friend's idiot neighbor, with the Confederate flag on their porch talking mess about me visiting, complaining only the times I came without my boyfriend after 2 years. Why do stupid people out number smart people? Why is Jim Crow law coming back? Why is my money and my voice being ignored? Light skin is no protection like institutionalized white fear.”

The warmth of your touch ignited my senses as   I sat on the sandy shore glancing at the vastness of the ocean. I wondered, what direction would this encounter lead? I love the mysteries that life gives us, keeping us enriched with endless possibilities.   Lost in the mystery, I felt the gushing wave of the ocean surround me I was embraced by the sweet essence of summertime Hot and cold, mix all into one;   it was like crying from emotional bliss I wasn't expecting to be caught off guard by this chance encounter But I am thankful for experiencing the delight that comes with sweet summertime.

One heart,  A solemn beat.  Forced to walk,  These busy streets.  Pass by two,  Hearts beat of love.  My cry is sad,  Like a dove.  He lost his mate,  His will to fly.  As now I live,  I guess I will die.   Alone.

                                    How do I tell you                                                             What you mean to me?                                     You saved my life young man.                      ...

A car ride with my man, whew... There will be times when you are convinced that your significant other is the most annoying, needy, whiny...Listen, nevermind about that. If you need confirmation that this particular human is your downfall or not, study the situation as pragmatically as possible first. Do their bills get piled onto yours? Are they adding or taking away from how you live and thrive professionally? Would your work and home life be easier without them? At what frequency daily, do you wish you could slap them with a frying pan, leaving a greasy ring in the face? (That's an extra credit one) Enough answers in one direction will present you with walking papers to hand off or a new way to not just function but live and thrive as a unit. Your careers and home life need to flow even if it means you'll be traveling extensively. Fidelity is powerful especially for those who seek their bookend in life. I'm just a mermaid on land. Always getting in too deep and ...