I Have Decided Not to Die (Ted A. Richard

I Have Decided Not to Die (Ted A. Richard - Church Point, LA)

In Dustin Gaspard’s song, “Just a Little”, he asks, “Am I living longer or just dying slower?” There have been many times in my life that I’ve pondered the same thing. I had spent the past twenty-seven years trying to recreate my first fifteen seconds of fame by devoting my second attempt at success in life to making my next fifteen seconds of fame mean something different; I succeeded each time, but different didn’t necessarily mean good.

Beginning the journey of my second life was also the beginning of my downfall into the abyss of alcoholism and substance abuse. I saw my life spiraling out of control but refused to do anything to make the rest of my life any better; I was dying anyway, so it really didn’t matter.

I remember seeing a movie called “The Help”, which began to change the trajectory of my life in only my second year of sobriety. There is a line near the end of the movie where Allison Janney’s character, Charlotte, tells her daughter, Skeeter (played by Emma Stone), that, “I have decided not to die”. Those six little words helped to shape what would become the rest of my life; once I decided that I was no longer dying, I actually began living. Once I became sober, I was able to more clearly see the path that had been laid out before me; I decided to not let the mistakes of my past determine my future. Sure, I took many forks and detours that prolonged my trail, but the destination remained the same; I was now living in my own fabulousness.

I decided to refuse to let the rest of my life become a punchline to a homophobic or racist joke. By actually owning to all of the things I had done, hurting both myself and others in the process, I had learned that my life and my story of recovery and survival could somehow help someone else to see that there is a better life on the other side of addiction, and that the reward is well worth the fight.

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