The Care and Feeding of Your Human: A Guide for Parents (Chris Hayes

The Care and Feeding of Your Human: A Guide for Parents (Chris Hayes - Lafayette, LA)

The small being entrusted to you will be helpless at first,

Totally dependent upon you for care.

Familiarize yourself with its cries and behaviors.

Be sure to keep it clean and comfortable,

And feed it at regular intervals.

Love your human unconditionally.

Your human will acquire information

From its surroundings at astonishing speed,

And will soon make its preferences known.

Offer a wide variety of palatable foods,

Most of which it will refuse to eat.

If this happens too often, offer gummy vitamins.

Although you should provide a structured environment

And communicate your expectations clearly,

It is important not to behave in a punitive or controlling fashion.

Although it may be more difficult to do so at this point,

Love your human unconditionally.

As your small human gains knowledge and skills,

Granting freedom and independence while at the same time

Providing a safe place to return when the world feels unsafe

Will allow it to develop into a capable young adult.

Your charge should be mostly self-feeding at this point.

Keep the freezer full of pizzas

And the pantry stocked with ramen noodles.

Avoid trying to force your human to conform to your expectations.

Although it may seem an impossible task at times,

Love your human unconditionally.

As your human reaches maturity, it is reasonable

To expect it to feed you from time to time.

Your most difficult challenge will be

To transition from caretaker to supportive companion.

Continue to love your human unconditionally.

Indefinitely.

Unreservedly.

Proudly.

Chris Hayes

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)

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