wassup (J. Michael Norris - Baton Rouge, LA)

 

Since the pandemic hit, a guy I used to cam with back when I was single keeps messaging me on Facebook. He says he wants me to get on cam and degrade him so he can get off. I remind him that I’m engaged and he has a boyfriend now so it’s probably not the best idea and he says, “just kidding lol” and we leave it at that until an hour later when he says his boyfriend won’t call him a slut or a faggot when they screw and he feels all alone in the world. I message back that I don’t want to let him down, but like I said, I’m engaged and he’s in a relationship and it’s been years and really, it’s not gonna happen. He sends me some new pics of his ass and one of him naked in pink lace panties, so I ignore him until he tells me he’s just joking and then that I’m an asshole and then that he’s sorry and finally goodnight.

A week later I tell my fiancée and she says it’s no biggie, I should just cam with him and let him get off, but I’m pretty sure she’s testing me. Besides, I tell her, I wouldn’t want her to do that to me; to me, it’s cheating. She tells I’m too hung up on things and it’s just like porn, but I don’t see how it can be just like porn when I know the guy and he’s sent me pictures of his dog before, a Bichon Frise named Lola that looks more like a powder puff than a dog. No, that can’t just be porn I tell her, and she says I just want drama and decides to go to the gym, so I tell her to be careful and wipe down the machines and wear a mask but before I can finish she tells me to stop trying to baby her and that I’m way too concerned with something that’s just like the flu and she leaves and even though I haven’t left the house myself in almost two months I start to wonder if maybe she’s right and I am being a baby about all this.

Two days later while I’m reading about a man who had COVID and described it as drowning on your own lungs, the guy from before messages me saying “wassup” and “wanna cam” and I remember what my fiancée said and decide, fine, I guess I should go ahead since apparently this is just like porn and he feels all alone in the world and who am I to ignore someone in need and besides we’re all gonna die, especially if people like my fiancée won’t take this seriously. I get out my lube and set up the cam while he does the same and he calls me on Skype. When I answer he’s already nude turned around on a dirty black bedspread covered in strange white shadows and he says he wants to be made to feel bad and I tell him he’s dirty and a slut and then he bends over in front of the camera and arches his back. It’s hot seeing him like that but it feels weird and it’s been so long since I’ve been with a man and I wonder if my fiancée might come home. “Call me worthless,” he says so I say he’s worthless and slip my shorts and underwear around my ankles and pop open the lube and pour some in my hand.

I can’t seem to get excited, though, even though he looks hot and it’s been so long since I’ve done this and my fiancée won’t let me call her a slut or a whore like I want because it makes her feel gross even though she calls me all sorts of things like fat and lazy now that I won’t leave the house or go to work out with her at the gym. He starts panting so I tell him he’s the biggest whore I’ve ever seen and he looks all used up and dirty and I finally start to get excited, but then his dog Lola jumps up on the bed next to him, a fuzzy white ball that starts biting his toes and growling and this guy, he kicks back, knocking Lola off the side of the bed and I hear her thump to the floor and yelp but he just keeps tugging between his legs. I say he needs to check on her but he says just call him a slut and whore and I feel sad and nervous and small all at once so I tell him he’s an actual asshole and I try to hang up on Skype but the mouse slips off the side of the desk from the lube on my hand and I hear him moaning and panting and so I get down on my knees and rip the electrical cord out from the wall socket and the screen goes black and I wipe the lube off on my shorts and then grab my phone and block him on Facebook.

I sit back down in my desk chair staring at the dark computer screen wondering if I’m really right for my fiancée after all, because this isn’t okay and I don’t want it to be okay, and no, I don’t want to jerk off with other people on Skype and pretend it’s not cheating and no, I absolutely don’t want to die drowning on my own lungs because of her. I don’t.