The Louisiana Social Pledge

We pledge our allegiance to Louisiana. We will embrace what makes us and our state unique. Louisiana will be recognized as a leader and innovator of the New South. Many great leaders of the future will come from this state. And we will show both the media and politicians that we are smarter than them. We will no longer have our resources exhausted and our people used and left behind. We will work hard and play hard. We will protect each other. We will support each other. We pledge that we will do whatever we can to get these things in motion right now. We will no longer wait for a path to be cleared for us. We will clear the path ourselves. And we ain’t giving up easily. We will socialize in the real world just as well as we do on the internet…in hopes to organize ourselves effectively.


Monday, September 30, 2013

The Book of James (Edited) (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)


The Book of James (Edited)
(Dedicated to James Ludeau III)


Chapter 39

James is here

1As the story continued, James had found himself living a life that felt much like that of Saul, but little did he know that he would become Paul, a light to a misguided people. 2 While wading through the pools of darkness, he had no idea what he was searching for, but he was there. Waiting for something… someone. 3 His lantern wasn’t his lantern. He wasn’t sure where he had gotten it from. It just appeared. 4 Here James was. 5 There were thirty-eight chapters previously you missed. But here He was. Here He is.

James and the Lantern

6 “Help!” a child was drowning in the darkness. He was losing breath, gargling in the darkness. 7 “Where are you?” James yelled towards the voice but couldn’t see anything. 8 There were sounds. Sounds he recognized, but he didn’t know why. 9 James swung the lantern around the darkness. 10 “Help!” the child’s voice grew faint. 11 James struggled within his mind to place himself in the darkness. 12 He took the lantern by his right fist and crushed it into his palm, when he opened it a beam of light erupted from his palm. It was too strong for him to control. 13 He slapped his palm to his chest and the light penetrated his heart. 14 The darkness began to recede into the shadows, where darkness hid. 15 “Be gone!” James’ words were elevated, his sounds dominant. 16 When all the darkness had left, James found a small child lying in a green pasture. 17 James looked around and realized they were in Eden. It had always been here.

James and the Words

18Take my words and light your life,” James walked through the friendly swamps with the child. 19 “Where do I go?” the child asked. 20To spread Eden,” James responded. “People have forgotten the true beginning.” 21 James had learned that the darkness was eating Eden’s children. 22 Though, he didn’t have his lantern anymore, he saw his that his knew life was to be the lantern in the swamps. 23 James took his words into the next chapter of his life, and chose to delve into the light.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Summer of Your Skin (James Leland Ludeau III-Lafayette,LA)

i've got my music on
i've got a glass full of gin
i've got my clothes off
and i'm looking to sin
my god i feel in in the air
that electricity when you walk in the door
just wanna lay it all out of the line
just wanna make your love mine
and when i'm pinned down on the bed
and you take residency of my head
i feel alive
i feel free
i feel like the only thing i want to give is a fuck
as dirty and nasty as it is pure and beautiful
we merge
we emerge
changed
deranged
walking through the city streets
your hand in mine
feeling whole
like home
you baptize me with your tongue
kissing me hard in the pouring rain
you like it insane
i close my eyes
and the rain washes over me
cleanses me
our clothes are soaked and stick to us
in my mind i know that sometimes love is not enough
so i'm trying to have fun with this
but it's like an addiction
like a drug
it gets me high
and you tell me stories of love and drugs
between kisses and hugs
wasn't born to break
but sometimes it's too much to take
this love for your consumes me
and the way i feel for you
is like a panic attack
it hits me suddenly
overwhelms me
this need for you
for your touch
for the summer of your skin
heat
humidity
it sustains me
like a million stars in the night sky
sparkling and broken
bursting into bits and pieces
like my heart
i love you so much it aches
but i feel safe in your bed
i just want to sit next to you
barreling down the open road at 100 mph
into our future
you may destroy me in the end
but most things we love do
and i close my eyes
and i accept this
the unknowing is what draws me in
your love is what keeps me here

High Road (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)


My high road leads to ...         
         
                                           LOVE
                                  that’s the center
                                       of my universe

                                                                             ...not another human being.





Three Signs Align (Kisha Faye Kana~Catahoula, LA




When I’m at war
I look for the shining star

The one with light so bright
It guides me in the night

Some say that things come with time
That life has no rhythm. No rhyme.

Unbeknown to some
No need to look, the answers come

I just look for the thrice sign
It will always align

For I hadn’t sought
Only formed a thought

The universe guided me
With what my mind is open enough to see


Friday, September 27, 2013

My Sanctuary (CJ Avory-Lafyette, LA)

In between the world and my sanctuary I get stuck in traffic. Just want to hear you call me baby. Just want to know you still exist and that nothing has come between you and me in the last couple of hours…
but space and time. Nothing else can separate us. I don’t like to make things too simple. I don’t tend to ignore the more symbolic emotions. Nothing is taken lightly. You are more to me than a lover.
I want a full heart from you…a full mind filled with ideas and poetry and art and arguments and understanding. With you. In between the world and my sanctuary I get lonely. Mostly because I forget that I’m not alone. I listen and sing along with my poets on disk. Sit there and remember where I was and recognize where I am. What I had and what I have. And I have to smile. Even with tears in my eyes. In between the world and my sanctuary I am compelled to make myself available and open for people who have no sanctuary of their own. It complicates life, but gives me a purpose. I’m not just floating along for my own sake, but I am significant beyond myself. When someone needs a smile in the middle of a hectic and stressful situation, I don’t want to be the bitch that provides the frown. I want righteous thought with righteous action. Maybe that will get me closer to you… more sooner than later. Technically I am an artist with an artist’s mind. I don’t want to deal with the world. I don’t think I should have to pay bills. I don’t think I should have to sit at a desk.  I want my sanctuary where I can create, and be my real self. Eat good food. Listen to good music. Make the best love – over and over. Sleep long. Be and feel safe. With you. in fact, it’s nothing if you’re not there. It doesn’t exist without you. soft and warm and strong and loyal and sweet  and beautiful and passionate. Nice hands, beautiful eyes, sexy back, the smile and the voice I want to see and hear. Needing me as much as I’m needing you. 
being the breast where you rest your head if you be the arm I where I can lean and cry. In between the world and my sanctuary, I lay in bed hearing your voice…in the dark. I close my eyes and transport myself where I think you are. I don’t think I should have to be anywhere else.

Second Class Citizen (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)

I pledge allegiance to the United States
The place that has led me to feel like
A second class citizen

Sisters are fighting wars “there”
Just to return, not treated like women, but instead like
A second class citizen

Brothers are fighting to love “here”
For a legal piece of paper that doesn’t even say, “I love you”
A second class citizen

Second class citizens
That vote like we should

Second class citizens
That (for the most part) obey laws

We’re second-rate currencies
So our tax money shouldn’t be good here

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Your Love Was The Bullet, I Was The Target (by James Leland Ludeau III - Lafayette,LA)

your love was the bullet
i was the target
and anything that got in our way
was sure to be killed...
you know it ain't easy
for your love to leave me
a hole in my heart
blowing me apart
there are no words to describe it
the feeling of shards of glass digging into the muscle of my heart
knocking the wind out of me
you were so long gone
but you were my lifeline
but if you come looking for a hard time
they're never hard to find
and i was addicted to the pain
your love was a revolver
and at least i'd die happy
i bled our love out
til there was nothing left to hold onto
limp
lifeless
and as i gasped for my last breath
i realized it was all my own doing

Mosquitos (Samuel Jones - Bastrop, La)

Rushing water
And endless floods
Used to mean ...
 You and me:

Flowing emotions,
Fast moving passion,
And the knowledge
That we run so deep.

I could see it
In your eyes. Though,
You were smiling.
Why were you so afraid?

I would ask you,
And you would reply
Stick by stick
By stick.

I noticed the dam,
But still you smiled
Stick by stick
By stick

The water has stopped
And I feel it no more.
I've been standing here for
Far too long.

And then there's a slap—
A mosquito trap.

But now I notice the swarm

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Holy Ground (James Leland Ledeau ~Lafayette LA)

chatted with you online forever never thinking it would go anywhere
just the usual all talk business of online encounters
met you after seeing Madonna in concert...
felt so alive and inspired and free
the smell of New Orleans around us
your arms around my waist
so tall i had to look up
in disbelief that you were cuter than i even imagined
the humidity hung with its thick,
consuming moisture
dampening the crumbling architecture
the balcony we stood on seemed to be hanging on for its life
hoping not to break away from the decaying brick
it was a weird kind of night
a full moon rising from the warm river
yet a cold breeze whipped the leaves into a frenzy
it was fall
i fell
those kisses lasted forever
drunk on gin
drunker on you
you have a smile that wins me over
tall and dark and inviting and kind
you came off as a little shy
and you seemed relieved that i wasn't
i don't remember anything about that night but the kisses
and time passed
it passed by in a way that sort of escaped us
but our contact continued
and now i'm actually kind of shy
because i realize i have something to lose for once
and the way you said you'd fill out an application
made me realize you're not so shy
and i like it
i like you
i like this
and where we stood on Bourbon and St Ann
that's holy ground
you make my heart spin
i won't let this fall apart in the usual way
so keep texting me and keep calling me
and take me out to eat on a starry night
but don't try too hard
because you've already won (me)

Saints Hanging Around My Neck (James Leland Ledeau~Lafayette, LA)

denim wrapped around my torso
saints hanging around my neck
like they're hanging onto the stars tattooed around them...
hoping to take flight
and like a shooting star i've lived my life
like a bright flash
constantly on the move
but i'm ready to slow it down a bit
and my furry smile hides so many secrets
but i'll let you in on one of them
that i'm happy
that i'm finally real
i let go
jumped
i'm taking chances
i've always thought of myself as a collaboration
i identify with cowboys
with the leather and the smell and the wildness
the riding into sunsets inhaling dust
the feel of the saddle
treading a path of your own
independence
i identify with rock stars
leather and skulls and a fuck it attitude
living out loud and out of bounds
rebellious
i identify with hippies
independent thinkers
leather and feathers
complete freedom
i identify with Catholicism
doctrines and dogmas
saints and sinners
frankincense and myrrh
prayers and stained glass
I'm a combination of all of these things
and i feel it in my bones
in my skin
i'm not supposed to be like the rest of the crowd
i'm carving out my own path
i'm a cowboy rockstar hippie sinner
my heart is my own
but it's open
i protect it because i know it's precious
so if i hand it to you
either through my actions or my words
know it's not for nothing
know that this Cheshire grin holds a universe of things to reveal
i'm full of stars
i'm filled with wish

Broken Hymns (James Leland Ludeau III~Lafayette,LA)


my broken hymns
drowned in gin
led me to sin
i was singing for your love from the depths of my soul
to have and to hold
i crawled on the ground seeking your attention
knees bloodied
my heart racing
between the horses of lust and love
i was trampled underfoot
pride vs. shame
i wore your love like a crown of thorns digging into my skin
causing pain
but redemptive
you were the most beautiful creature i'd ever seen
made my baths feel like holy water
i was baptized by your loving
waking up in dirty sheets
the result of a love that was real
on my part listen closely
as i testify tell you how you made my body feel
like a thief you stole all the good in me
but you loved my imperfections
fucking in waves like the ocean
sweating out last night's sin
and your skin tasted like salty gin
you smelled like leather and sweat
loving you was like church for me
powerful
mysterious
full of rules i just didn't understand
but i blindly followed in faith
because your love was saving me
there's a thin line between love and hate
and we walked that line like a tightrope
some days we loved
some nights we hated
but our love kept us stuck like glue
messy and gorgeous
sex lit up our spines
ignited our minds
sex and love and beauty
and i'm telling you these feelings won't go away
they been knocking me sideways
anytime you come around me
i bathe in the sin of our lust
it's out of my hands
not under my control

I Wish I Could Start Over (Louis Toliver Jr Swartz, LA)



To all things I said “yes’ to, now, that’s “no”
And to the things I said “no” to, probably “yes”

I had said yes to our love when I met you
I should have said no until you knew me

And this would have been to protect to you
From what happens when I eat Adam’s poisoned apple

It’s difficult to watch your loved one do things purely
And you can’t do those same things, cause of the poison

You wish you could so badly give your lover the pleasures he deserves
Like others can, unless you really have LOVE, that true pleasure

All my lover has to do is offer me an antidote for life dissatisfaction
I would thank my lover, but I may never get the chance again

Its all fun and games when you think your playing Monopoly
But in the real game of Life, you can’t pass GO more than once.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Something Real (Samuel Jones-Bastrop, LA)

Tell me something real.
Something messy and sloppy.
Something stuck beneath my nails
Because I handled the truth.

If placed upon paper
It leaves a greasy, smudgy reminder.

If left in the palate
It stains it a different hue.

Just tell me something real.
Something unsanitized and dirty.
With a sticky, smelly truth
At least I know when it is present.

Love Casket (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)

“Is she said dead?” He asked

HER
I have never had a family unit
That has come to understand me
As a teenager, I ran away to be free
I sacrificed rejection to live happily
But when I loved out of foolishness
Jumping back into rejection full-heartedly
Where many others were waiting readily

“She’s been beaten bad. I can’t see her noise.” The other guy said

HER
My love casket held my leftover waste
My body, accepted the earth, lifelessly
Except, no one whispers that I’m chaste

“No just raped violently.” The other guy said. “Another one dead”

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Death is a Coward (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)

Death is a coward
It’s a manipulative beast
it’s a gatekeeper...
Convincing people that
It’s the end of spiritual life

What arrogance!

Death is but an obstacle
Exaggerated by fear
So be careful,
You may not like what you see
When Death opens your gate

What chaos!

I wouldn’t rush Death’s cowardice
Spiritual Order can only beat it
Once you stare at death
Fearlessly cloaked with enlightenment
You realize Death is like a gnat

Sacred Heart (James Leland Ludeau III - Lafayette, La)

Jesus' sacred heart lives on through me
created in His image
I'm beautiful and flawed...
I stumble
I fall
I crumble
I stall
But yet i feel loved
not judged
and when i can't sleep at night
He comes into my room and soothes me
He holds me in his soft but powerful palms
This fire that burns in my soul
This inspiration i have
This desire i have to share and to grow and to learn
It's His spirit in me
When i fall to my knees to try to wrap my mind around his Almighty love
when i smile for seemingly no reason
It's His love that's in my heart
And when i close my eyes and feel that intangible magic in the air
It's His aura
Blessed Be He
who teaches me to love and to forgive
and to not give up

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Just A Perfect Night (James Leland Ludeau III- Lafayette,LA)

Standing in the middle of the kitchen
watching you move in the refrigerator light
glowing...
after another one of our love fests
I just want to follow the sweat as it falls down your spine
to treasures that await me
Drenched
Quenched
Feeding our appetites in so many ways
And you always leave me starving
yet full
and i find a tshirt i left here long ago
and i know you think about me
and i know it's become real
and without you i may be ok but i'm not fine at all
there is magic in your touch
and future in your kiss
strength in your hold
eternity awaiting in your eyes
my greatest fear is getting lost in translation
of coming off as asking too much of you
is everything too much?
I have no problem getting lost in you at all
consume me
like these autumn leaves we are falling into place
you and i are pieces of a puzzle
and it fits and it's real
and you hold onto my old tshirt when i'm not here
because it holds my scent
and it makes you feel close to me
and to feel you all i have to do is close my eyes
you never really leave me
and i'm so okay with that.....

Penis Happy (Louis Toliver Jr.~Swartz, LA)

Oh I feel for you poor women...
Especially, if you have a tampon in your vagina right now
My heart goes out to all women that must think about that discomfort
But I think I’ll keep my penis because it thinks about my comfort
And …Kisha says she like my penis too

The Cave (Ingrid Kerr~Leesville, LA)

She and I are riding in a car together. She is wearing a light pink bikini and she has a pregnant lady’s belly. She is driving, but the steering wheel is on the right and I am a passenger on the left. We have agreed to travel to a hot springs spot in the country. After riding for a while, we come to a toll bridge but instead of each lane stretching by a booth with an attendant to accept the toll, each lane ends at a different type of fast food restaurant. There are a couple burger joints, a pizza place and one fast food place I’d never seen or heard of before. She knows which type of fast food she wants, but I can’t make up my mind, so I get out of the car and tell her that I’ll catch up with her later. Somehow I know the last restaurant is a mixture... of all the other fast food places and all of a sudden my decision isn’t so hard, and I choose that last restaurant, the one I’d never heard of or seen before but somehow knew was a combination of all the other fast food joints mixed together. After my selection I continue down the road, now somehow magically inserted into my own car. (Steering wheel on the proper, right side.) I know she is waiting for me at the hot springs spot in the country. I drive through the country side and I notice it is fall. The leaves have turned colors. Dull orange bushes and yellow leaved trees dot the countryside. Green hills give way to staggering mountains behind the vegetation on either side of the road. I realize that I am driving through a valley that winds through the countryside. I drive and drive. I turn around twice because I make a couple of wrong turns, or maybe I hadn’t turned at all, but experienced a sense of ‘lostness’ and consequently knew I was heading the wrong direction. Once I stopped and asked for directions although there was no traffic, much less other people to ask. The countryside was deserted. I had asked directions of my own mind. Finally I arrive at the hot springs spot. The springs are tucked away in an underground cave settled against the looming, rolling hills. I know she is inside the cave although no vehicle is parked near the entrance and when I look around my vehicle has mysteriously vanished as well. I enter the cave. The ceiling is low and made of solid rock. I cannot see more than 50 feet and cannot detect where the cave and its hot springs may come to an end in the shadows. I see her in her light pink bikini with her pregnant lady’s belly, slowly descending stone steps into the dark, bubbling hot springs. With one hand she is holding onto a metal banister running parallel to the stone steps and with the other hand she is beckoning me to follow her. She is smiling. I follow her.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Writers Don't Die (Louis Toliver Jr-Swartz, LA)

If an enemy put a bullet to our heads,
Before our bodies hit the ground
We would let out one last breath saying
“Fool, our words will live forever now.”

The Friendzone Pt. II (Samuel Jones- Bastrop, LA)

It's my fault really,
For choosing men
Who've never had a real friend before.

I used to be offended
By how I'm the "friend," yet
They'd turn around and date trash.

Not even good trash either:
The kind that's self-contained and mostly paper,
The kind that's easy to recycle. No,

It's always that wet trash,
With no bag,
That I'd be terrified to stick my hands inside, personally. . .
The kind that attracts pests like
Rats, roaches—raccoons.
I can smell it a mile away.

---

If my best relationships ended
Because Waste Management came,
I'd be emotionally unavailable, too.

MIDNIGHT IN A HANDBAG (Ingrid Kerr~Leesville, LA)

I see you in the mirror and I like what I see
Your beautiful eyes, they tear into me
No reason to doubt, but believing your eyes
made me blind to your corroded disguise

And I don't know why
but memories, memories of your eyes.
No, I don't know why
but memories, memories.... memories, memories....

I lie awake next to you listenin' to that tainted rain
and I build the wall higher that keeps me in pain
In an insane haze of diluted dreams
even a bright burnin' candle is not what it seems

It may be safety, but to me it's hell's fire
teasin' me with all the things that I desire
But I can't have them because I deny
myself the right to ask the question 'why'

I carry my little piece of midnight, in a little white handbag
Sometimes it gets so heavy, it makes my shoulders sag
Your sunrise comes to me in forgotten ways
But that little piece of midnight always stays

Lookin' at you in a neurotic sunset
I'm driftin' through memories to when we first met
Wishin' my midnight would turn to blue sky
so I could put my arms around you and dare to hope to dream to fly!

And I don't know why
but memories, memories of your eyes.
No, I don't know why
but memories, memories... memories, memories....

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Beauty in Pure Form (Kisha Kana-Catahoula, LA)

There is no way a love interest of hers could not fall madly in love with the version of herself that I'm lucky enough to see. 
Her love of 80s music and seriousness about it. 
I love when she completely lets herself go into uninhibited silliness that would never be shown to a lover.
Which is a shame because her smile, so bright as it is, is dimmed by how bright her soul shines. It's the kind of beauty that resonates in your bones.
Lovers would surely feel a rush of love seeing the girl in her pure form.
They would never leave.
I know this, because in that moment, I myself, feel in love with her.

Blog Me Forever (Adam John Schexnayder-Crowley, LA)

Behind the keyboard, I can paint you a picture with words. Eloquently draw out a sad, but true story. Love lost. Love found. Life lessons. Comedy. Horror. My canvas derives directly from the technological advances of the 21st century. No more personal than a twenty dollar hooker from the four corners. But it's all mine. For the world to see. Next time, I'll mail you my story. It'll probably get lost, but its the thought that counts. To whom it may concern: my life is not for you to judge. But for you to witness. Painted pretty on that HD LCD screen you spent my entire months paycheck on. And tomorrow, you will forget every last word and ill be but a distant memory lost in cyber space. Only to be rummaged up by some child researching online blogs for his research project. And when I'm old and grey, I'll only have the words I wrote for the world to witness. For I wrote down my thoughts, relevant or not.

Back to Life (James Leland Ludeau III-Lafayette,LA)

We had a beautiful, magical love affair
Too dumb to hold on
Too young to care
now we wake up in different beds
in different cities
and i think it's against our wishes
Baby you've got so many demons
and they all look alot like me
What have i done to you?
why have i run from you?
what a sad, beautiful, tragic end
to a love that keeps on living
despite the ignorance we've fed it along the way
and i still feel you on nights like this
you're my other half
and i feel like a train run off its track
wrecked
how do i get back to you?
back to those times when you'd count the lines around my eyes
like stars
and make wishes on them
i was the lucky one
i just didn't realize it
and as i turn around with my head all full of you
i see you on the street
and the night explodes around us
you smile and my stomach gives birth to butterflies
our eyes meet and yours look like you've finally found your home
I just want to know you better now
that i'm not obsessed with myself
and i've missed you all this time
and this night proves it's not all in my mind
as i hold your hand walking along this pale lit street
standing there
handing you my heart
a beautiful, magical love
comes back to life
comes back to life

Two Beautiful Suicides (Tyler Hebert-Sunset, LA)

Two hearts that beat for guidance.  
no longer grieved for acceptance.  

forced to live in a stone paved society.  
They convinced themselves to deprive humanity.  

As one they would protest;  an unforgiving action.  
Their hearts gave into a solitude arrest and forgave religion.  

They wore the father in honor for all who judged.  
The  holy ghost that sailed their blood was smudged.  

They drowned together by bricks created from shame.  
For their innocent male to male love was to blame.  

They were accused of false love;  A degraded sexuality.  
Ignored screams of their lifestyle; A haunted fatality.  

Their once angelic souls, tonight, turned vile.  
Their tears praised each others reflection in denial.  

The vessel that once stored their pride was being set free.  
In the wind they lifted with ghostly beautified imagery.  

The moon witnessed this night compiled with sin.  
The stars covered them like a sheet as they gave in.  

The ground beneath them honored their existence.  
It manifested into a permanent bed; Two simple coffins.  

Together they were hand in hand; Their blood dry.  
Found motionless gazing at each other;  A silent cry.  

Surrounded them were burned crosses struck by death.  
The tormented truth of disgrace caused this last breath.  

The wolves howls echo daily for the murder that night.  
Their innocent lives became paper that drifted in flight.  

Pointed fingers became a case of cold stained guilt.  
A sacrifice for eternal love sailed the oceans like a wilt.  

Faith brought them together, but love set them free.  
These two beautiful suicides will forever inspire me.  

Thursday, September 12, 2013

New Author~Ingrid Kerr

We are very excited to introduce a new contributor to Louisiana Words.  Ingrid is a beautiful, brilliant soul who produces fine work. She is a writer, song writer and musician.  And those are just some of her talents.  Welcome Ingrid!

End of Summer (James Ludeau III- Lafayette, LA)

End of summer 
Watching clouds explode in the sky 
Vapor
The light no longer white hot
But golden as I bask in it
I feel the glistening sweat run off of my body
And like the dreams of summer
Evaporating
I realize in this moment that I'm content
That life is a masterpiece
That nothing, even the searing heat of summer is indestructible
Everything is forced to change
Shapes shift
Seasons change
We give way to what's next
There is a beauty to time
A comfort in knowing it will not cease
We are all given a fixed number of moments to live
I close my eyes
I feel a dry, warm breeze graze my skin
The humidity has retreated
Fall beckons
Green will transition to browns and reds and oranges
And I should live my life like the leaves
Let my self be carried by the wind
To change
It's exciting knowing that nights will soon be cooler
Crisp
The smells of autumn
The crunching of leaves beneath my feet
And by the time we grow tired of the cold
Summer will return
Ripe with opportunities to create memories
I close my eyes in thanks
I feel the seasons inside of myself
I am open to change
I am changing

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

"Im Sorry" (Adam John Schexnayder - Crowley, La)


It was time for bed now.  After this day, I needed all the rest I could get.  Not only was I jet lagged, but now I had to face this wedding in less than two days.  Chris came into my room.  He sat on the edge of the bed.  He put his head in his hands and began to rub his face.


                 He said, “I love her.”

                “Like you love me?”

                “Don’t be like that.”

“What you expect from me? To be amazingly happy that you found someone to marry? To just stand here while you marry someone else? What happened to forever and always? What happened to us against the world? How do I come into play in all of this? Huh, Chris?”

“You know I love you more than anything in this world.  And I would never do anything to hurt you, but I can’t do it.  I can’t be who you want me to be.  I can’t hold your hand and walk down the street.  I can’t kiss you in front of thousands of people.  What kind of life would we be living? We’d always be in secret mode.  Never being able to let anyone inside.  Separate holidays, separate bedrooms, separate everything. Is that what you really want?”

“None of that matters.  What I really want is YOU.  Everything else is just bridges to cross.  I guess I’m not really worth that, huh? If you love me like you say you do, you shouldn’t want anything else.  You shouldn’t want Barbie and her dream house.  You should want ME!”

His next move surprised me more than the wedding.  He got up and walked out of the room. Without saying a word or even looking back.  It felt like a thousand knives hit me in the chest.  I couldn’t breathe I was crying so hard.  I guess New York changes people.  

Well, I would love to tell you about the whole thing leading up to “speak now,” but it would just make me vomit.  It was the perfect ceremony.  It’s what a couple in love deserved.  So, I’m just going to skip to the part you all want to hear.  The preacher said, “Speak now, or forever hold your peace.”  He paused.  The church was dead silent for what seemed like twelve years.  Then the preacher proceeded with the wedding.  

I couldn’t believe what Chris was doing.  I was frozen.  I couldn’t move, think, or act.  When I finally came to, they were putting on rings.  I just walked away.  I stepped down from the altar and walked right out of the church.  I could hear everyone mumbling in surprise.  I really could care less.  He chose her.  He chose her.  Despite the mutual, intense love we had between each other, he chose her.  How could he do that to me? I was so mad and hurt that I couldn’t even cry.  When I got to the doors, I turned around and caught eye contact with him.  He simply shrugged his shoulders and mouthed, “I’m sorry.”  That’s when the tears came. It felt like I was going to cry for the rest of my life.  Life is not fair sometimes, but hey, what are you going to do about it?