My father's silence spoke volumes to me. It never mattered what we did when I was with him, just that I was with him.
Over the years, she who spawned me would shout at me in a curse, "You'll be just like your father!!".
Well, she was right in so many ways. I didn't/don't put up with her bullshit. In fact, I haven't seen or spoken to her since my step-father's funeral, 10+ years ago. I don't plan on speaking to her ever again, much less attend HER funeral. Fuck paying for it.
Yes, I am like my father. However, in 2 things I am different. I will not die at 58, by my son "adjusting" my morphine drip, because I don't have the strength to take care of it myself. In fact, I plan to live to twice that age, that I might "erase" those things which she adulterated.
I held my father as he died. I told him all of the things that he "couldn't" say to me. I told him how much I had and will ALWAYS love him.
He left for good reasons, just as he drank for good reasons. I know why he left. I know why he drank. I know that he loved me, no matter what.
That is more than I can or will ever say about "her".
What I did 20 years ago...I would do again today. Love of Life is about compassion, and Choice. I choose to Live, and to Love.
Maybe one day, I can afford to place his name upon the tomb in which he is buried. Until then, I know where to find him, and that is ALWAYS in my heart.
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