Coming Out (to Mom) (Gabi Miller

Coming Out (to Mom) (Gabi Miller - Lafayette, LA)

“Don’t you dare ever do that”

You told me
on Mother's Day (last year)
in the Chili's
as we talked about my trans nonbinary friends
(as I clumsily tried to explain their gender to you)
(did you sense that I was testing the waters about myself?)

and suddenly
that unconditional love
began to feel very
conditional

felt like in high school
when you warned me
about the "Lesbian Trap"
like a spider web, you said
(did you already know it was her web I wanted to be trapped in?)

my friends and I laughed
but despite my bravado
i still left her for a guy
(never told her how much it hurt when she teased me and called me straight)

and even though I love my partner dearly
it's she who haunts my dreams
always her disapproval, disappointment
(which I traded for yours)
I wish I could apologize
(I feel that I could never apologize enough)

after all these years of hiding
first from myself
then to you
i can't hide anymore

upon reflection
i have been trying to come out to you my whole life
i have been waiting for you to challenge me, ask me, call me out
now i'm ready to tell you clearly

i have a mantra
which i took from Miss Vida Bohemme
this is repeat to you now:
"I don't need your approval. But I will take your acceptance."

Part 2: Came Out
I told you clearly
And you denied me
But you can't change who I am
I am not confused. I am not a victim of the war on souls. I am not influenced by those around me (although they have given support)
I should have known
You denied all the signs before
A lifetime of clues
I thought that when I told you you would at least accept it as truth
Maybe that was the fool in me
Listen now, don't speak
I. Am. Queer. Full Stop. I know that I can't change your mind. (maybe in time)
But you can't change me.

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