I stride across the visibility of a city’s gleaming
eyes. Out here your presence seems so meager and I have to really disconnect to
feel it. If I close my eyes I can see the shadow of disappointment and my heart
is almost shattered to the point of falling tears. Strong as I may be, I can’t
deny the darker side that sends me sliding in between the cracks or wets my
soul as I evaporate into a cloud of fire and mist. There are no presumptions
here, where I feel safe. No procrastinations to make me think twice. All my
fears are pushed behind and all my dreams are high above. All I see here is a
gate to a path to something inconceivable. I only whisper at the lock, too numb
to remember a code. All the while, pretending there is nothing beyond this
safety, until you step in and show me more worth fighting for. Then, somehow, I
find the courage to express my thoughts. I can show how every limb trembles in
your beauty and every tear is not sadness, but gratefulness of your touch and
every part of me wishes never to separate from your trust. When I am crushed,
you lessen the weight of the load upon my soul. When I am down, you point to a
dream soaring high above. When I am lost for words, you kiss my heart and know
my truth. All my laughter is for you, all my treasures I give to you. All my
love is you.
It’s forgettable- the number of times I was called a “fucking faggot” as a kid. As a former child of god, I wasn’t expected to know what those words meant. I was taught that repentance was vital to achieving everlasting life. My momma made me go to church every Sunday. I said my prayers as I was told. But I eventually learned that Catholicism was never my sanctuary. Christianity was never my safe-haven. God never stopped the cheap shots. He never once prevented the harassment or pure embarrassment that I felt from the words of my “kin in Christ.” Now, picture me- a helpless faggot, blinded by the incandescent lights of an old catholic church. I was home from college spending Spring Break in my former hellscape. So, naturally, my momma yet again made me go to church. This time, on a Wednesday. It was Ash Wednesday. When I was among the folks from home, I felt out of place. So much that I’d imagine camouflaging myself. Like saber-tooth in hiding. But the difference? I had a far mo...
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