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21st Century Problems: Episode 6 (Louis Toliver Jr - Swartz, LA)

“Uh….let me get one of them big chocolate-mel coffees,” the man at the drive thru intercom yelled into the microphone loud enough for me, sitting in my truck behind with my driver-side window down, to judge him. But, of course, it was I that need to be judged. Yes, I, because of my busy life schedule working, on-line gaming, and stuff, when I’m feeling impatient to wait for food, I go to McDouches. “I said I want one of them big carmel-choco coffees…like on the picture there.” Sitting here listening to this man was so painful that I couldn’t help but bang my head on the steering wheel. “Sir, do you mean a large coffee with caramel and chocolate in it or a large caramel mocha?” Whoever that person was working deserved employee of the month, because this was brutal. “Yeah…yeah. A big caramel macho.” The employee on the intercom snickered, “Okay sir. Will that complete your order?” I imagine that the road to purgatory was much like waiting for a slow order in a fast food drive thru. The man final drove to the window. It was my turn, finally. “Welcome to McDonald’s!” I was pretty sure I was going to get a #3 (a Quarter-pounder w/cheese)…but, “Would you like to try our new McHealthy?” is what the employee asked me. I unwillingly asked, “What is that?” She said, “It’s a lean Icelandic burger substitute on a Mongolian wheat bun.” That sounded like a code for intestinal problems. “Ah…I’ll pass. I’ll just…” but she interrupted, “Would you like to try our new McDiet?” I rolled my eyes and asked, “A McDiet?” She nodded (I think) over the intercom  and said, “Yes.” I gave up, “Go on.” She eagerly continued, “Well, with our McDiet, you get a choice of one of our signature salads made fresh from our special Atlantic seaweed blend and an apple pie dessert pill…” I was over it, “No thanks. I need at #3, no onions, and a bottled-water. Can you peel the McDonald’s label off of it, please?” I was probably going to refill it all day because buying bottled-waters all day is expensive and no one needed to know I had been here. “Um….okay. Will that complete your order? Would you like…,” the employee was doing the job too well, so this needed to end. “Yes! Yes! That will complete my order!” I pushed the gas pedal down and braked immediately. The guy from earlier was still trying to pay. I could here the employee instigating this opportunity, “I’m sorry sir, but your debit card says declined again. Would you like to apply for a McCreditCard?” Someone help me. I’m in purgatory. Going to McDonalds is like going to a place where clowns shouldn’t be, considering the quality of product offered here, let’s say a funeral.


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