The Louisiana Social Pledge

We pledge our allegiance to Louisiana. We will embrace what makes us and our state unique. Louisiana will be recognized as a leader and innovator of the New South. Many great leaders of the future will come from this state. And we will show both the media and politicians that we are smarter than them. We will no longer have our resources exhausted and our people used and left behind. We will work hard and play hard. We will protect each other. We will support each other. We pledge that we will do whatever we can to get these things in motion right now. We will no longer wait for a path to be cleared for us. We will clear the path ourselves. And we ain’t giving up easily. We will socialize in the real world just as well as we do on the internet…in hopes to organize ourselves effectively.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

“So a Lesbian and a Gay Guy Are Hanging Out…” (Louis Toliver Jr)

You haven’t heard this one before? I’ll give you a cleaned up version of the story.
It’s a few days, years..ish later after the end of the world, the end where Earth rotated off its axis and bumped into the moon and then ended up in its same exact position, but sideways.
It’s just the two of them. They woke up on an island, which they figured to be “old” Zimbabwe. Two things were certain now in their lives. There was no more Africa and no more people.
So, the gay guy and the lesbian didn’t mix. They were like icy hot and an asshole. And even though it was always on the back of their minds and it had been a long time since either one of them had had sex, they each, sometimes, thought about carrying on the human gene. But most of the time they thought of having sex, not with each other of course. The lesbian dreamed of a thick-thighed, heavy-breasted, slim waisted, ass jiggling vixen, nothing her flesh colored strap on penis wouldn’t handle. The gay guy dreamed of a thick armed, armored-chested, preferably Italian, friendly bulging sailor, everything goes but fisting, that he couldn’t handle. Neither of them was anywhere close to each other’s fantasy.
However, they both agreed they were getting older and they both agreed that if they didn’t have sex, the human race was gone…forever…forever.
            “So, you just want me to put it inside you?”
            “Yeah, I guess.”
            “It’s not hard though.”
            “Play with it or something.”
            “Can you put it in your mouth?”
“You want me to put that fetus-sized orangutan finger in my mouth?”
“You think it’s ugly?”
“Look, I’m the womb here. Why don’t you warm me up? Take a lick.”
“You want me to lick that, it smells like an old cod filet.”
            “I used to use perfumes.”
“I’m not into fish… of any kind.”
“And I don’t need a dick.”
And so, the gay guy and the lesbian just couldn’t bring themselves to mix any of their bodily fluids together. The lesbian and gay guy were so grossed out by each other that for the next 5 years they lived on different sides of the Zimbabwe island. On eve of the sixth year, they began bartering with each other. The gay guy would bring the lesbian fresh fish and island-made weapons and the lesbian would bring the gay guy beef and island-made organic lotion. They agreed to share bananas.
They lived this way until they both died. They lived to see the end of the world happened again, this time the earth tripped into the sun and burnt up. That clumsy Earth.

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