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Blurred Mirror (Ted A Richard- Church Point, LA)

As a little Catholic boy I was always taught not to sin.

Sin is bad, Sin is evil, Sin is destructive.

Yet I sinned and sinned and sinned again.

But I knew everything would be better and I would be forgiven.

All I had to do was tell a priest and say a few prayers.

I was a kid then, and I appreciated that life could be so simple.

All of my wrong could be made right by simple absolution.




But as I got older I found it more and more difficult

To hide from the evil that lurked within me.

I was a tortured soul with a devilish streak

That hid behind a mask of self-hatred and disgust.

I abused others and justified my actions.

I abused myself which directed my fate.




As a child it seemed that absolution was such a simple thing.

Forgiveness was easy.

As an adult I realized that the absolution I craved

Had to come from others.

And the absolution I searched for

Led to destruction and despair.




I mutilated my mind, my soul and my body

In ways any normal human being would have thought impossible.

And every scratch, every cut and every burn

Revealed scars of my own self-loathing.

The forgiveness I yearned for

Was lost while searching for the soul I had left behind.




When did I become this monster?

How did I allow myself to become less of me and more of something else?

I no longer recognized myself.

A mirror blurred confused and clouded

With both honesty and deceit.

Where was my truth?

Was there salvation to be found?

And if there was, where was it?




The blurred mirror constantly lies to those of us

Who refuse to forgive ourselves!

We are the only one’s with the power to prove to ourselves

That we deserve to be happy.

That we deserve to be proud.

That we deserve to loved.

And that we deserve to be free!

Free from self-hatred,

Free from self-mutilation,

Free from self-deprivation,

And free from self-destruction!




The monster I saw through the blurred mirror

Was only the reflection of who I perceived myself to be.

But as the clouded mirror slowly cleared,

I began to reveal to myself

The image of a person I now began to recognize.

I was learning to forgive myself,

And realized that the only forgiveness I really needed

Was the absolution I could give to myself.




And soon, the blurred mirror was crystal-clear,

I now knew exactly who I was and who I was becoming ,

And I liked it.

A clear mirror can reveal only the truth.

And I learned to own my truth.

It’s not always good truth, but it’s MY truth.




Absolution isn’t always easy

And sometimes the forgiveness we crave

Is not the forgiveness we need.

But I learned that having the power

To forgive myself begins to un-blur the mirror.

Comments

  1. Beautiful! And beautifully done, Ted!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great writing Ted...... My journey to self forgiveness and self acceptance is told in this piece.

    ReplyDelete

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