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The Girl in the Bottle (Madisyn Barbosa-Lafayette, LA)



when i was a kid i was scared of myself 
  • so i locked me away in bottle and placed me on a shelf
    scared of what family would think, opinions of my parent
    scared of not knowing why i always felt different
    i learned to act and how to behave
    i learned to be strong and hidden away
    i got beat i got bullied
    ill never forget his name
    and i remember how 8 years ago i saw him
    and he lowered his head in shame
    he apologized for picking on me and offered to by my a drink
    he said i had changed and grew taller and stronger
    i laughed and bashed him in the cheek
    i said pick on me now
    im not little any more
    he got up and wiped his face
    and ran out the door
    i remember acting like a man
    pretending to be what i thought others wanted
    my good looks although i was very shy
    trying not to flaunt it
    i remember my first love
    and great i thought she was
    when some people picked on her outside a movie theater
    i put a knife to their throat because
    i wouldn't let them beat me or beat her
    i got tired of being picked on
    i had to be strong for others
    but little did i know
    i was being cheated on
    her with another
    i remember my best friend
    she was a true real sweetheart
    and how much i wished that had never met the first
    from the start
    but without the first
    i couldn't have ever met her
    and how much fun we had rubbing noses
    and how even when we touched
    we keep a secret and know one knows this
    we couldn't be together because she was with child from another
    even in my bed we both knew it wouldn't work
    as we just jumped out the window
    and ran from my mother
    so i skipped through life
    not really knowing what a heart felt like
    and slowly high school friends slipped away
    and then i let my anger of broken heart get to me
    i became more dangerous each passing day
    i saw a girl i really liked and walked up to her and carved mine
    with my finger nail in her arm
    she looked at me like i was insane
    and she said damn you got some charm
    those two and a half years
    were the craziest in my life
    i was her mate as she pretended to be my wife
    through drug induced sexcapades
    and tears in every fight
    we ran away which we thought would be forever
    it’s the only thing we thought to do was right
    we lasted 3 weeks longer and ended up in a city far away
    no money no bed
    in her car we spent the night and day
    we had no choice we had to come back
    and to Lafayette we returned
    and those two and half years ended
    with us both horribly burned
    during that time i met so many girls
    cheated on her constantly behind her back
    in my own little world
    i met a temptress
    and we hit it off so well
    and she accepted me for me
    and everything i did tell
    my heart my clothes my ways in fashion
    and even her parents liked my dresses
    and in her bedroom we shared passion
    the first woman that accepted me for me
    and i blew it because i didn't know
    what it meant to be happy
    i went to job corps and ran away from my family
    i met a guy named Michael
    who treated me so lovely
    for half of a year in job corps we loved
    like a fun teeter totter he pushed and shoved
    i left job corps and said goodbye to my first boyfriend
    and to this day sometimes i wonder where he is and how
    he's been
    and after job corps i went to the air-force
    still pretending to be some kind of what idea a man was of course
    i met a guy named barker
    and he was my wingman
    we would run off into the park
    and do things that he began
    day after day
    it was our little secret
    but not once not even once
    did i regret
    i couldn't hide any longer
    and i began misbehaving
    although i was at the top of my class fixing F-16s
    my sergeant said i wasn't worth saving
    honorable discharge and thousands of dollars
    they gave me to sign a paper and said goodbye and
    don't come back
    don't even hollar
    back at home
    i met a bellydancer
    a relationship i very regret
    i felt like she gave me cancer
    killed my heart and devoured my soul
    and changed me forever after
    but i have to thank her
    for showing me dance and learning about laughter
    i was a better person without her
    and i smiled every day
    glad to be rid of the succubus
    rid of emotions and dismay
    i swore back then
    that never again
    would i live at anything less than full throttle
    i took myself of the shelf and smashed that god damn bottle
    and then i was free
    to live how i please
    and i’ve never looked back and refuse to
    because without all them
    i wouldn't be
    so regretful and learning from everything
    and recovered from the blues too
    i have to say im sorry
    for all my crazyness and pain
    everything and everyone i've hurt
    all in my journey of Jane
    i am who i am
    and i hurt who i did
    all because i was to scared to be
    and if i had not hidden my self away
    i wouldn't have hurt you and
    me
    so many lives i’ve changed
    just by knowing me
    and i wish to god they never did
    without me they could have been happy
    i can’t say that i am better
    because i'm haunted by so many memories
    but i can say i'm learning from my past
    so accept my apologies...

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