The Girl in the Bottle (Madisyn Barbosa-Lafayette, LA)
when i was a kid i was scared of myself
so i locked me away in bottle and placed me on a shelf scared of what family would think,opinions of my parent scared of not knowing why i always felt different i learned to act and how to behave i learned to be strong and hidden away i got beat i got bullied ill never forget his name and i remember how 8 years ago i saw him and he lowered his head in shame he apologized for picking on me and offered to by my a drink he said i had changed and grew taller and stronger i laughed and bashed him in the cheek i said pick on me now im not little any more he got up and wiped his face and ran out the door i remember acting like a man pretending to be what i thought others wanted my good looks although i was very shy trying not to flaunt it i remember my first love and great i thought she was when some people picked on her outside a movie theater i put a knife to their throat because i wouldn't let them beat me or beat her i got tired of being picked on i had to be strong for others but little did i know i was being cheated on her with another i remember my best friend she was a true real sweet heart and how much i wished that had never met the first from the start but without the first i couldn't have ever met her and how much fun we had rubbing noses and how even when we touched we keep a secret and know one knows this we couldn't be together because she was with child from another even in my bed we both knew it wouldn't work as we just jumped out the window and ran from my mother so i skipped through life not really knowing what a heart felt like and slowly high school friends slipped away and then i let my anger of broken heart get to me i became more dangerous each passing day i saw a girl i really liked and walked up to her and carved mine with my finger nail in her arm she looked at me like i was insane and she said damn you got some charm those two and a half years were the craziest in my life i was her mate as she pretended to be my wife through drug induced sexcapades and tears in every fight we ran away which we thought would be forever its the only thing we thought to do was right we lasted 3 weeks longer and ended up in a city far away no money no bed in her car we spent the night and day we had no choice we had to come back and to Lafayette we returned and those two and half years ended with us both horribly burned during that time i met so many girls cheated on her constantly behind her back in my own little world i met a temptress and we hit it off so well and she accepted me for me and everything i did tell my heart my clothes my ways in fashion and even her parents liked my dresses and in her bedroom we shared passion the first woman that accepted me for me and i blew it because i didn't know what it meant to be happy i went to job corps and ran away from my family i met a guy named Michael who treated me so lovely for half of a year in job corps we loved like a fun teeter totter he pushed and shoved i left job corps and said good bye to my first boyfriend and to this day sometimes i wonder where he is and how hes been and after job corps i went to the air-force still pretending to be some kind of what idea a man was of course i met a guy named barker and he was my wingman we would run off into the park and do things that he began day after day it was our little secret but not once not even once did i regret i couldn't hide any longer and i began misbehaving although i was at the top of my class fixing F-16s my sergeant said i wasn't worth saving honorable discharge and thousands of dollars they gave me to sign a paper and said goodbye and don't come back don't even hollar back at home i met a bellydancer a relationship i very regret i felt like she gave me cancer killed my heart and devoured my soul and changed me forever after but i have to thank her for showing me dance and learning about laughter i was a better person without her and i smiled every day glad to be rid of the succubus rid of emotions and dismay i swore back then that never again would i live at anything less than full throttle i took myself of the shelf and smashed that god damn bottle and then i was free to live how i please and ive never looked back and refuse to because without all them i wouldn't be so regretful and learning from everything and recovered from the blues too i have to say im sorry for all my crazyness and pain everything and everyone ive hurt all in my journey of Jane i am who i am and i hurt who i did all because i was to scared to be and if i had not hidden my self away i wouldnt have hurt you and me so many lives ive changed just by knowing me and i wish to god they never did without me they could have been happy i cant say that i am better because im haunted by so many memories but i can say im learning from my past so accept my apologies...
When I find myself alone in the pain.
When I feel like I have absolutely no one to turn to.
When I wish the hurt would stop.
When I don't know what to do.
When I feel completely lost.
When my eyes just won't stop welling up.
When I don't want to bother anyone with my hurt, my pain.
When I know that everyone has other responsibilities.
I don't want to interrupt them with my hurt.
When I have thought about all of the ways to make the hurt stop.
When I am tired of putting on my strong face for others to see.
When I am tired of the tears welling up, filling already soggy eyes.
When I am tired of the tears, tears that roll non-stop over my cheeks.
When I don't want to hurt the ones that I love the most.
When it seems like those who are supposed to love me don't get who I am.
When no one has any idea of the pain my smile hides.
When I am worried about being forever labeled by others.
When I am the one that everyone counts on for strength.
When I never show any weak…